


MAG42069: Melanie Eats Paint Water

by liched



Series: tma swap au! [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Character Swap, Fluff, No beta we die like archival assistants, Pining, adhd melanie, archivist gerry, drinking paint water, formatted like the transcripts!, id tag timgerry but really its just gerry being gay and pining so :p, john mulaney reference. i think gerry likes john mulaney, legally i dont know how many &s im allowed to have but theyre all great friends so whatever, melanies a gremlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25359019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liched/pseuds/liched
Summary: Sometimes a bonding moment is you tricking your friend into drinking paint water, and really, isn't that what friendship's all about?Alt title: Jesus Christ! Is That A Fucking Gremlin?
Relationships: Gerard Keay & Melanie King, Gerard Keay & Tim Stoker, Melanie King & Michael Shelley, Melanie King & Tim Stoker, Michael Shelley & Tim Stoker
Series: tma swap au! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1836466
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	MAG42069: Melanie Eats Paint Water

[CLICK]

[INT. THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, ARCHIVAL BREAKROOM, SOMETIME IN 2017]

[WE HEAR THE CLINKING OF MUGS BEING MOVED BY SOMEONE, AND THEN THE THUMP OF SOMEONE BUMPING INTO A TABLE]

**MELANIE**

Oof.

**MICHAEL**

Careful now, M-Melanie, don’t spill the water anywhere. Gerry’s already going to, um, hate us doing this.

**MELANIE**

Mm. Sure, sure. Don’t  _ particularly _ care that he’d hate us doing this- but I suppose you are right about the carpet.

**TIM**

What  _ are  _ you two doing, anyway? You just asked me to come, is this some sort of initiation I wasn’t privy too?

[MELANIE SETS MUGS DOWN ONTO A TABLE AND PULLS BACK A CHAIR. SHE SITS DOWN WITH A THUMP]

**TIM** **_(CONT’D)_ **

You gonna make me… drink… glass, or something?

**MELANIE**

Best you could figure was  _ glass? (short laugh)  _ God, if we somehow got molten glass in here I’d think Elias would be down here before anything would happen. Beholding forbid any non-supernatural harm ever come to his sacred little archives.

**TIM**

_ (yeah, yeah) _ Stupid question, I know, but seriously; what the  _ hell _ is in those mugs?

[CLINK OF A MUG BEING PICKED UP AND PASSED TO, PRESUMABLY, TIM]

**MICHAEL**

_ (giggle)  _ Oh, you’ll find out when you drink it!

**TIM**

You’re sounding like Sash, Michael. Well- actually, Melanie. You go first.

[SOUND OF MELANIE BLOWING ON WHATEVER DRINK IS IN THE MUG]

**MELANIE**

_ (deadpan) _ Oh, but it’s so hot.

[MICHAEL LAUGHS]

**TIM**

Very funny, Melanie. Alright, then. Same time? Want to wrap our arms ‘round like an obnoxiously straight couple and down the mug?

**MELANIE**

Oh, hell yes.

[SOUNDS OF SHUFFLING AS TIM WALKS OVER TO MELANIE. FABRIC RUSTLES ARE HEARD AS THEY LINK ARMS]

**TIM**

Down the hatch!

[SOUNDS OF TIM GAGGING ARE NIGH IMMEDIATELY HEARD. HE SPITS IT OUT BACK INTO THE MUG. MICHAEL LAUGHS, HARDER THAN BEFORE]

**MICHAEL**

_ (trying not to laugh)  _ Oh, Tim, Tim, your  _ face-  _ Does it really taste that bad to-  _ (huff) _ you?

**MELANIE**

_ Tim-  _ oh my god, mate, holy shit.

**TIM**

_ (intense)  _ That tasted like  _ dogshit _ , I thought you were trying to poison  _ Elias,  _ not me!

[A DOOR CREAKS OPEN AND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS THUMP INTO THE ROOM. MICHAEL GASPS]

**ARCHIVIST**

I heard Michael laughing maniacally and came as fast as I could. Tim, did they make you drink paint water?

**TIM**

That was fucking  **_paint water?_ **

[MELANIE BARKS OUT LAUGHTER]

**MELANIE**

Sure was, asshole. I don’t get why you’re so upset about us drinking paint water, Gerry, we  _ want _ to do it!

**ARCHIVIST**

_ Because,  _ Melanie, it is bloody  _ paint water _ . You’ll die, or something. Do you want me to have to call poison control on your sorry ass?

**MICHAEL**

I’ve been drinking paint water as long as you-you’ve, uh, known me, Gerry. You really will  _ never  _ be able to stop me! Also, I, I haven’t d-died yet, and I don’t plan on it any-any time soon, so.

**MELANIE**

Hell yeah Michael!

[SOUNDS OF RUSTLING AND THEN A SLAP OF MELANIE AND MICHAEL HIGH FIVING]

**ARCHIVIST**

_ (sigh)  _ You two are going to be my end, one day. Jesus Christ.

[SOUNDS OF RUSTLING AS MELANIE SITS BACK DOWN]

**TIM**

They’re going to be  _ my _ end, too. Doing wack shit with you guys is-  _ usually _ \- very fun but that was absolutely hell to drink. Like, I feel like I need a deep cleaning on the inside although that barely touched my damn tongue.

**MELANIE**

A small price to pay for friendship. That was a really good bonding moment, right? We had a bonding moment there?

**TIM**

_ No. _

__

**MICHAEL**

R.I.P. to you, but I’m different, Tim.

**ARCHIVIST**

You both are  _ such _ dumbasses. I don’t know how you’re still alive.

**MELANIE**

What says we’re alive? Maybe we’re both really sexy ghosts, just haunting you forever?

**ARCHIVIST**

_ (John Mulaney intonation) _ My life is already so god damn weird.

[MELANIE AND MICHAEL LAUGH]

**TIM**

Was that- Gerry, you watch  _ John Mulaney specials _ ?

**ARCHIVIST**

Why wouldn’t I? If I didn’t know the Delta Airlines bit Melanie would’ve tried killing me oh, I dunno, at least 7 times more than she already has.

**TIM**

I wouldn’t’ve thought you’d be into it given your whole-

[SOUNDS OF FABRIC SHUFFLING AS TIM WAVES AROUND HIS ARM]

**TIM (CONT’D)**

deal.

[THE ARCHIVIST LAUGHS]

**ARCHIVIST**

Tim! You’ve known me for what, two years? Should know better. You went to that pet shop with me, asshole. My-

[FABRIC NOISES AS THE ARCHIVIST DOES HEAVY FINGER QUOTES]

_ “deal”  _ only goes as far as my aesthetic and music taste, mate.

**TIM**

_ (small laugh)  _ Fair, fair. Though, y’know, could’ve secretly been into really edgy comedy and were just making all those dumb puns to throw me off your trail.

**ARCHIVIST**

_ (fond)  _ Oh, never. What kind of gay would I be if I didn’t watch John Mulaney?

[MELANIE, TIM, AND MICHAEL BURST INTO LAUGHTER]

**ARCHIVIST** **_(CONT’D)_ **

What do you take me for, straight? Eugh.

**TIM**

Gerry, sweetie, I’m so sorry a bitch like me would ever do that do you.

[THE ARCHIVIST GIVES A SMALL, FOND LAUGH]

**MELANIE**

Would anyone like some more paint water? I’m going for seconds.

**MICHAEL**

Oh, me! Me!

[CLINKING SOUNDS, AND THE SOUNDS OF WATER FLOWING]

**ARCHIVIST**

You lot are  _ going _ to poison yourselves.

**TIM**

You know what? Fuck it, yeah. I’ll go again.

**ARCHIVIST**

_ (sarcastic)  _ Tim, you’ve betrayed me, drinking paint water with these fucking heathens. If you die in the breakroom I’m getting Daisy to haul your dead ass out of here and to a trash compactor.

**TIM**

How thoughtful! Melanie and Michael get the same treatment?

**ARCHIVIST**

Nah. They’re gonna be rotting in the Institute forever.

**MICHAEL**

Heyyy! That’s so rude.

**MELANIE**

God, just because you’re not g-

[SOUNDS OF RAPID SHUFFLING AND CLUNKING FOOTSTEPS AS THE ARCHIVIST STRIDES OVER TO MELANIE, AND CLAPS HIS HAND OVER HER MOUTH]

[MICHAEL GIGGLES]

**MELANIE**

_ (annoyed muffled grumbling) _

__

**ARCHIVIST**

Shut your trap, King.

**TIM**

_ (confused) _ What… was that?

**MELANIE**

_ (insistent muffled noises) _

__

**ARCHIVIST**

_ (flustered)  _ None- uh, it’s fine. Pay no mind. Melanie’s just a bit of an ass.

**MICHAEL**

Gayass.

**ARCHIVIST**

_ (more flustered, edging on annoyed) _ Shut it, the b-

[A BOOT SUDDENLY CLUNKS AGAINST THE FLOOR AND MELANIE BEGINS LAUGHING, HARD]

**ARCHIVIST** **_(CONT’D)_ **

Eugh! Did you lick my hand? You fucking gremlin! No one feed this asshole after midnight. God, Melanie, fuck off.

**MELANIE**

No.

**ARCHIVIST**

Jesus Christ.

[TIM LAUGHS]

**TIM**

_ (fond sigh) _ Well, Melanie, can I take that paint water to go? Gotta go catch up on some…  _ work.  _ Unfortunately.

[SHUFFLING AND THE CLINKING OF A MUG AS SHE HANDS A MUG TO TIM]

**MELANIE**

There you are. Go get some shit done! Spill a little paint water on some shitty statements, will you?

**TIM**

Sure thing. Catch you all later!

[THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN AND CLICKS SHUT]

[THE ARCHIVIST SIGHS, INCREDIBLY FOND]

**MICHAEL**

You’re- you’re pining again, Gerry.

**MELANIE**

Just confess already. He’s totally head over heels for you, too.

**ARCHIVIST**

Stop drinking paint water at least for a  _ bit _ , and I’ll consider telling him.

**MICHAEL**

That all? Easy peasy, I’ll break my strange addiction and you’ll take it up with your crush.

**MELANIE**

_ (joking groan)  _ You want me to not drink  _ paint water? _ You drive a hard bargain, but I will, if you actually tell Tim soon.

**ARCHIVIST**

Yeah, yeah, I  _ will  _ tell him before the ritual, okay?

**MELANIE**

Fuck yeah!

[CLICK]

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes you sit down and write your faves arguing about drinking paint water because you have to keep yelling at your friend to not drink paint water [ITS BEEN LIKE 6 TIMES??] .  
> if you have any questions about this sexy au come on ovr to @llliched on tumblr n ask away!


End file.
